


No Excuse For The State I'm In

by agirlnamedtruth



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Big Bang Challenge, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Infidelity, Missing Scene, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-18
Updated: 2013-04-18
Packaged: 2017-12-08 19:32:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/765173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agirlnamedtruth/pseuds/agirlnamedtruth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of the memories Severus couldn’t show Harry. An exploration of Severus and Lily’s somewhat unhealthy on/off relationship and events that push him into becoming a Death Eater and inadvertently causing her death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Excuse For The State I'm In

**Author's Note:**

> This is the fic I should have posted last year, and because of that I no longer have the name of the beta I used. So I apologise for that and I hope it's ok to post without listing them. I did try to find someone else to re-beta it but alas, I ran out of time. Any remaining mistakes are my own from re-writes and editing. Also a big thank you to my artist, patriciatepes for bringing my story to life with their artwork. (ETA: this is set on a different timescale than the books, using the more mature characters portrayed in the films.)
> 
> Written for [Angst Big Bang](http://angstbigbang.livejournal.com).
> 
> [ART MASTERPOST](http://patriciatepes.livejournal.com/43914.html)

He stares blankly in front of him, not really seeing anything in particular. His life is ebbing away so slowly that he wishes it would get on with it and leave him in peace.

He hears voices, a scraping noise, and then a door opens. It's Potter. He almost laughs, absently wondering if he was even capable of producing one. How ironic should it be that the last thing he sees is that boy? The reason for all of this. Harry tries to help him; it's pointless, but admirable. Nothing can help him now and there’s only one thing he can do for the boy.

His mind flicks through thousands of memories, picking out only the crucial ones. Some of them are happy and others are sad, all of them ones that don't put the boy's mother in a questionable light, those ones he keeps to himself. The ones he gives are pure and untainted. The happy memories give way to the painful ones, necessary as they are, and they flow out in a few tears.

He begs Harry to take them; it would break his heart if they were wasted. All of it would have been for nothing. They aren't wasted, though, and he relaxes a little, knowing that the worst is over.

The boy meets his gaze, finally, and he basks in their sparkling green, knowing that they aren't actually _hers_. They are close enough.

"You have your mother's eyes."

He stared into them as everything else faded away. Until they were all he could see.

 

-x-

 

"She's jealous because she's ordinary and you're special." He didn't look at her when he said it; he didn't need to.

"That's mean, Severus," she said, only slightly meaning it. He made the leaves on the tree act like birds to make her laugh again.

In truth, he was a little scared to look at her. Something about her made his stomach ache in a way that wasn’t entirely bad. In his world, she should be ordinary. In his eyes, it was the Muggles that were strange. But something about her seemed like it was so much more, something ancient and magic trying to fight its way out of the young girl. That was another thing that scared him.

They led in silence, apart from the trees rustling and the water bubbling from a nearby stream. He didn't really know what to say; he had never really had any friends before. His mother didn't want him to be involved with Muggle children and his father made it very difficult to be friends with his own kind. He wouldn't be able to tell his parents about her. She might be a witch, but his mother's narrow-minded views would be scornful of her blood status, of her being a Muggle born. He didn't care, though. In fact he was glad because that way he could keep her to himself.

“Why were you sitting in a tree?” she asked suddenly, as if the thought had only just occurred to her.

"I don't like the sun; it makes my eyes hurt." He shrugged simply; he'd never told anyone that before. He just let people assume he was strange.

“That’s weird,” she said, but not in a horrible way, in a curious way.

“Father says I should go to an optician.” He pronounced the word carefully, not entirely sure what an optician was. “Mother says if I had enough magic in me, I’d be able to fix it myself.”

“Can’t you?” She imagined him taking his eyes outs and fixing them, like she fixed the dead flowers. She shivered at the thought.

“Maybe. I don’t want to risk them falling out though.” He noticed her smile and continued, wanting to make her laugh. “It’d be awful if I had to carry them around all day.”

She giggled and it lit up her face, making him feel warm inside. She grew serious again a few seconds later. “Don’t they hurt now?”

“A bit. It’s okay though.” He smiled at her in a way that he hoped was reassuringly.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” She sat up and threw her arms in the air across his body, trying in vain to conceal him from the sun like he might suddenly burst into flames. He laughed this time and grabbed her arms and put them back down by her sides. They stayed sat up, as if the effort of moving again was too much.

“I’m not a vampire! Besides you said you liked lying here, so it’s worth it. For you.” It felt very serious again, the hilarity of the situation suddenly gone. They didn’t understand it because they were both too young, but that little admittance seemed to hold a great weight.

Lily fell back to the ground, letting out a great puff of air. “Well, if you’re sure…”

“Yes, I like being here, with you.” He looked at her and felt a moment of clarity, again not understanding why.

“Tell me about being a witch,” she asked conversationally, as if everyone were magical.

He told her about the handful of spells he knew, of famous wizards and witches, and how much he was looking forward to going to school. He didn’t like it at home. She asked if that was why he sat in trees in the middle of the day and he nodded with traces of a deeper sadness in his eyes. She didn’t ask why he didn’t like it at home; it was personal and she trusted that one day he’d tell her himself.

Petunia called her for dinner and he felt a sharp sense of loss even though she was still there. He stood when she did. It was only polite and gentlemanly, he told himself. She made it a few feet away from him before she ran back to him, her body slamming into his in a spontaneous hug. He was surprised and because of that he stood stiffly, his arms trapped to his sides by hers. He reeled, the close contact entirely new to him. He would normally flinch away from physical contact; he really didn’t like people touching him, but he felt oddly calm in her embrace. She let go sooner that he’d have liked, red in the face with late embarrassment.

“What was that for?” he asked, his mind barely catching up with him.

"I'm not sure. I just...felt like it." She smiled before skipping off, leaving Severus rooted to the spot, staring after her. Strange girl, he thought, smiling. _Strange like me._

 

-x-

 

A few weeks had passed since he’d met her and it felt like an age. Because she was his first real friend, everything came in extremes with her. He’d be overjoyed to see her, miss her terribly when she left and, although he had never said it, feel a great deal of jealousy whenever she was busy, with her family or other friends.

He’d never been invited to her house, but he’d walked her home more than once, so he vaguely knew the direction in which he was running. 

He was breathless when Petunia answered the door with a scowl on her face.

“Oh, it’s you.” She stuck her tongue out, as childish as it looked.

“Can I...Lily...please?” He was bent over double with the stitch in his side.

“Lillllllllllllly!” she shouted up an unseen flight of stairs. “It’s your friend, the freak.”

If he’d had the energy he would have come up with some form of retaliation, but he could only smile when Lily stomped down the stairs, calling her things he had to presume were Muggle insults. She reached a hand past her sister, grabbing the front of his loose shirt. She dragged him inside and made sure he knocked into Petunia as he passed her.

“I’ll tell Mummy!” Petunia shrieked.

“I’m allowed friends,” Lily bit back.

“Not boys!” she glared and Severus was slightly worried she might try to throw him out herself.

“Then someone should tell your friend Mildred that because she looks like one.”

Petunia looked like she’d been slapped and Severus couldn’t help but giggle.

“Besides Severus is different. He’s like me and Mummy wants me to be friends with him.” She pulled a _so there_ face and nodded dismissively at her sister. She’d pulled out the ace and she knew it.

She still went to ask her mother if it was ok, though, because she didn’t have the guts not to. Severus waited nervously in the hallway until a figure came out, not at all what he associated with parents. She was warm and smiling, not cold and unapproachable like his own mother was. She invited him to lunch and he nodded hungrily. He stayed out most days until dinner and wasn't used to having concessions made for him.

“Come on,” Lily said once he’d thanked her mother for what must have been the fifth time. She took his hand and dragged him up the stairs. 

Her room was predictably pink and he had a feeling she didn’t have a choice in the matter. She threw herself on her bed, scrambling to sit at the head of it. He noticed the duvet cover had fish on it, realistic ones, not like a child would have. He looked at it, once again feeling he didn’t understand her at all. He traced his fingers over it and smiled.

“Well, sit down then,” she said impatiently, obviously curious as to why he’d ran to his house like hell was at his heels. 

He sank down on a corner of her bed and she rolled her eyes, smiling humorously at his air of politeness. He expected her to reprimand him, so he kicked off his shoes and sat opposite her, carefully crossing his legs so they’d both fit comfortably.

“I got my letter!” he suddenly burst out, not being able to contain his excitement any longer. “I mean, I knew I would, because of Mother and all, especially with the accidents I keep having with magic, but it was such a rush; I’ve never felt paper so thick, and it was...” He looked up from his babbling, catching her expression, one of sadness and fear, he winced at her second hand pain. “What?”

“I didn’t get one,” she said quietly.

“I’m sure it’s just not here yet, or maybe you’ll get somebody come to your house because of...” He stopped himself, he nearly had said _what you are_. He hadn’t meant to, of course, and he stopped himself in time, but he felt guilty nonetheless. “...they might not know you’ve got me to explain it all to you.” He’d expected it to go horribly wrong in that second, in the beat he’d missed constructing a different end to his thought, but instead she threw her arms around his neck, but only for a moment.

“What if they don’t think I’m magic enough?”

Severus thought for a second about how his life would change if that were true, if she didn’t get a letter. Could he bear months and months away from her? He didn’t want to go back to how he was before. Would they have anything to talk about, if not for their common ground of magic? Would she find him interesting still or would she think he was a freak, like everyone else did? He closed his eyes and shook his head, pushing those thoughts back. 

“Don’t say that, don’t even think it. I’ve never met anyone as special as you.” He blushed towards the end, thinking his clichéd words weren’t good enough. He needn’t have worried, though, because they seemed to convince her enough for her to forget about it. 

They played crocodiles and sharks with her pillows, jumping from the bed to the pillows scattered on the floor. She nearly lost her balance once or twice, but he grabbed her by the arm or the waist or the hand, always falling over himself in his effort to save her.

-x-

When her letter did come, she wanted to run to his house like he had to hers, but she’d never been there so she didn’t know where to find it. She made a quick decision between staying at home or going out looking for him. It was only eight in the morning, but she set out anyway, not expecting to find him for hours. 

She sat in his tree, playing with worms although her parents had told her it was unladylike. At half past nine, she heard twigs snapping, implying footfalls. She poked her head out and spotted him, far off in the distance, breaking random branches in his hands as he walked. Really she shouldn’t have heard him from that far away and she knew deep inside her that it was because she had really wanted to hear him. She struggled up and set off at a run.

She collided into him, making him drop the bits of branch in shock. This time she didn’t retreat quickly, she lingered in his arms and whispered, “I got it.”

-x-

Lily’s mother took them to Diagon Alley, concerned at his repeated statements that he’d much rather go with them than his own parents. Neither mother nor daughter said anything more on the subject. Lily’s mother set a date, agreeing that it would be helpful to have someone who knew where they were going. Petunia threw a temper tantrum and had to be left with their father, which made Severus ten times happier.

He watched, a pleased smile on his lips as Lily looked in every direction in awe. She ran from one thing to the next, not able to stand still, even while queuing. 

“Is that a broom?” Lily dragged him to a window. “What would you need a broom for?” She looked at him, eyes sparkling with curiosity.  
“Well, it’s for Quiddich, that’s a game we play.” He pointed to a picture of a Quiddich player in the window and her mouth fell open when she saw the player was riding the broom.  
“You mean they fly? Can I get one?” She started rummaging in her purse for the small amount of money she’d been given to spend as she wished. She didn’t have nearly enough for one.  
“You could, but you won’t be allowed to take it to Hogwarts, not in your first year.” He watched her face crumble in disappointment.  
“Oh.” She put her money away and, for a moment, all of her excitement disappeared.  
“But maybe you could come over to mine and I could teach you? Then you’ll be ready for when you can take one to school.” He knew it was very unlikely, his mother would never allow her in the house, not now that she knew what Lily’s parents were.  
Maybe he could steal – _borrow_ – his mother’s broom and take it down the lake. He could show Lily how good he was at flying because he’d grown up with it. He could help her to learn and catch her if she fell. Not that he’d let her fall, of course. He’d get into terrible trouble for it, but imagining the look on Lily’s face if she saw him fly past her made him resolve to do it.

Being Muggle born, she had to change her money at Gringott’s while he was admitted to his family vault. He took out more than he should have, knowing that it was wrong, but he wanted to be defiant against his mother or, more honestly, he wanted to impress Lily. His mother had raged when he told her about Lily. He knew he shouldn’t have taken it, so he spent most of it on things he could explain away.

He’d wanted to buy Lily a pet or her wand, but he’d not been daring enough. So he settled for buying her an ice cream and some lemonade instead, while her mother tactfully went to investigate how to keep owls in the house.

“Thank you, Severus,” she said, a smile lighting up her face, lips extra red from the coldness of her ice cream and the berries it contained. His was mint and chocolate chip and he was having a harder time trying to eat it gracefully.

“For what?” He managed to get out before he needed to catch another melting droplet with his tongue.

“Today. Everything....oh, and the ice cream.” She licked round it, her nose wrinkled slightly from the effort.

He nodded; he didn’t trust himself to speak for some reason. It was times like these he normally said something stupid.

On the train home, they had to sit a few rows back from her mother because of rush hour. He was truly thankful of it. She’d slipped her hand into his, letting them rest on his knee. She didn’t ask or explain herself, she just left it unspoken. She fell asleep with her head on his shoulder and he sat unmoving, watching her sleep, barely daring to breathe in case it woke her.

She woke with a jolt when the train stopped, like her subconscious had known they were home. Her hand fell away from his and she gathered herself up, ready to go.

On his walk home he couldn’t get the image of her sleeping out of his head. It seemed stuck there, making the inevitable argument with his parents seem distant and unimportant. He thought about it until he, himself, fell asleep.

 

-x-

 

After a while, he began counting down the days until they would leave for Hogwarts together. They spent more and more time together, causing Lily's sister to get more spiteful towards both of them.

As she got more excited, the emotions almost visibly bubbling out of her, he became calmer. He knew that soon he’d be away from all the things he hated and surrounded by the things he loved. She had asked if he wanted to come with her family to London, like he had before, and he had to shake his head and tell her how his mother had absolutely insisted that he go with her. Lily nodded; she understood.

It was now the night before they left and Severus stood shivering beside their tree. It was midnight and he was freezing even though he was fully dressed. This had been Lily’s idea, so he didn’t mind.

A figure dressed in white caught his eye and he shook his head in disbelief. She was carrying a jewelry box and a notepad like they’d arranged, but she was only in a nightgown.

“Why didn’t you get dressed?!” he hissed at her, shedding his coat and wrapping it around her shivering frame quickly.

He wanted to hug her and his body seemed to urge itself forward of its own accord. He’d never wanted to hug someone before and his head spun slightly as he put his arms around her. She smiled and thanked him, partially aware of how big a deal it was.

They’d planned to come out here on their last night before Hogwarts and bury their hopes and dreams, hoping that when they came back for it at the end of the term, they’d have been realised. 

Lily went first, using only the light of the moon too see, and wrote nearly a page. Severus watched her write and saw that she chewed on the end of the pen as she did so. When she had finished, she ripped off the page and folded it swiftly, refusing to let him see it.

“Your turn.” She handed him the pad and pen and looked the other way as he scrawled his few words. He tore it off, leaving more than half the page behind. “That was quick, don’t you have many dreams?”

“Just one.” He felt tears sting his eyes and thanked the night she couldn’t see them. She apologised for being rude and stroked his arm, bare now she had his coat. He shivered, but not from the cold.

They buried the box as deep as they could in the hollow of the tree, digging with their hands because they really hadn’t planned it well. They rinsed their hands in the stream afterwards, washing away the dirt with biting cold water. 

A few moments later, he walked her home, mentally kicking himself for not offering to wait outside her house earlier. She reached out and held his hand again, saying that hers were cold. He smiled into the dark; he couldn’t remember when he’d ever been happier.

 

-x-

 

He spotted her instantly on the platform. She was obviously having a fight with her sister. She shot him a look and he instantly understood it to mean that she’d meet him on the train.

Severus watched her make her goodbyes. When he saw that she had finished, he noticed the lost look on her face. He knocked on the glass of the window and he watched saw her count how many windows between him and the train doors.

“Ooooh, someone’s got a crush!” The other boys in the compartment laughed. He wanted to leave, but he knew Lily wouldn’t be able to find him if he did.

“She’s my best friend!” he said, calmly but full of venom. He could tell in that second that by leaving all the old things he hated that now he’d just be subjected to new ones.

When Lily arrived, they moved compartments and it made Severus feel much better because it had been on Lily’s suggestion and not his.

 

-x-

 

He watched numbly as Lily was sorted, his stomach dropping when the hat shouted Gryffindor. He watched helplessly as she sat with the idiots from earlier on the train, and then he smiled when she turned her back on them.

He didn’t have any hope for his own sorting. He knew there was no chance of getting into Gryffindor, he wasn’t brave or courageous. His fate was sealed when the hat shouted Slytherin. He walked away, in the opposite direction of Lily, with a heavy heart. It was just his luck to be on the furthest table from hers.

He didn’t see her again that night, apart from a few glances he sneaked when the idiot beside her wasn’t looking or a few times her red hair caught in the corner of his eye.

He didn’t notice the food appear and disappear onto the tables, and he barely ate any of it when it was there. He didn’t gape in awe at the portraits that were alive, or the staircases that liked to move when the mood took them. He dragged his toes along the floor as he descended deeper and deeper into the castle, further and further away from her.

He didn’t sleep at all that night; instead, he stared out of a window. It was barely above ground level as his new home was in a dungeon but he craned his neck up to see the many towers and the many lights still on inside of them. He wondered which light was hers.

 

-x-

 

She found him the next day at breakfast, which he was unbelievably early for even though just looking at it made him feel sick. Her eyes lit up when she saw him and he felt a little better when he noticed the sparkle there. She sat down across from him, much to the shock of the few students that were there.

“Lily...” he whispered, about to tell her that she wasn’t meant to be here.

“I know, I know, but it’s just a table, why should anyone care? I certainly don’t.” She smiled and picked up a croissant, pulling it apart, making a complete mess.

“What are we going to do?” he asked her, knowing that he sounded pathetic and needy and deciding not to care about how he sounded. All his plans had been dashed anyway.

“We’ll manage. It might be weird at first, but really is it any different from before? We used to sleep in different houses on different streets and eat our dinner there and wake up there.” She nodded along with her speech, like she was trying to convince herself as well.

“I wanted it to be different though,” he muttered. She didn’t hear him and he was glad for it. 

After a while he smiled and poured her a glass of pumpkin juice, which she spat out after a sip and asked for tea. He looked around him, at a loss for whom to ask but when he turned back to her, she was sipping from a cup.

“Where did that come from?” he asked incredulously.

“Dunno, it just appeared.” She shrugged, putting it back down. They both stared at the cup for a second and then burst of laughing.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard after all.

An hour or so later, when everyone else had filed down to breakfast, Lily started attracting stares and whispers. He told her she didn’t have to stay and she told him not to be silly.

A teacher came along, handing out timetables, clicking her tongue when she realised Lily was at the wrong table and that she’d have to sort through dozens of papers to get to her. She didn’t tell her to move though, and Severus was very grateful for that. He grabbed hers as soon as it touched her hands and compared it to his. She didn’t seem to mind.

“Alright, we’ve got two classes together and they fall on every other day except Wednesday. So we get at least one class together each day and I have a blank space...”

“That means a free hour,” she added helpfully.

“Oh, ok. I have one of them on Wednesday from 2-3...” He put his down and picked hers up, squinting slightly at all the numbers and letters and boxes, trying to find the blank ones. “...And so do you. Yes!” he shouted triumphantly, earning him a wary look from everyone surrounding him. 

“See, I told you we’d manage.” She leaned forward and took her own timetable back. “What do we have together?” She asked, taking in all the bizarre sounding classes. She hadn’t expected maths and science, but she didn’t even understand some of the words.

“Erm, potions on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, I think.”

“Good.” She nodded. “I was hoping so, that sounds fun.” She nodded again, indicating for him to continue.

“And Defense Against The Dark Arts on Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Oh, so two on Thursdays and Fridays, I didn’t notice that.”

“And breakfasts and lunches and dinners and evenings and weekends. We’ll be fine.” She smiled one of her brightest smiles, soothing the worry in Severus almost instantly. He nodded mutely and trusted that everything would be fine.

-x-

With it being halfway through Tuesday by the time they were let out of the hall, they were ecstatic to find their first class was one that they shared. Lily told him she was nervous and he wanted to hug her and tell her not to worry. Since they were surrounded by so many people rushing past them, though, he settled for just the words.

“Where are we? Are we lost?” she asked as they took another staircase down.

“No, I know where I’m going, I sleep down here.” He shrugged.

“What, on a staircase?!” Her fingers grasped his wrist through his robes as she laughed. He laughed too, calling her silly and telling her he’d meant in the dormitories down here, even though he was pretty sure she’d known what he meant.

“Isn’t it awfully cold?” she asked when she’d calmed down.

“I haven’t noticed,” he said, knowing full well that he had.

“Oh, how brave you are. Hey, I sleep in a tower, maybe you’ll have to come and rescue me sometime!” She collapsed into giggles again and he promised that he would.

She sat next to him instantly as they entered the classroom and found seats. The other students talked. They were probably curious as to how or why a Gryffindor and a Slytherin had become friends, or even how they dared to sit together when everyone else sat with their own house.

By the time the class had ended, Lily had discovered a love for potions and the teacher told her she had natural talent for it. He said that Severus was alright and showed potential. Lily walked out of the classroom talking about how amazingly freeing it was to fiddle around with insects and plants without being reminded constantly that she was a girl and shouldn’t be doing so.

They walked halfway to their next classes together, parting in a corridor that they had to go in different directions down, promising to meet up before dinner. He watched her go and felt suddenly very alone again.

The next few weeks passed like the ones had when he first met her. He relished being with her, missed her and thought about her constantly when he wasn’t and became fiercely jealous when she started to make new friends.

-x-

 

Nothing changed much for a handful of years. As they got older they would fight more, over silly things but they always came back and apologized within the week. Severus got much better at Potions under Lily’s tutoring and he excelled at Defense Against The Dark Arts. It had started out as an attempt to impress her and had grown into somewhat of an obsession.

When they were fifteen, things got a bit shaky between them, between the stress of exams and the escalating humiliations he suffered from Potter and his followers, for no better reason than jealousy of his friendship with Lily. At least, that’s what she’d told him. He got worse at saying things he didn’t think through and she got worse at overreacting, which meant their fights tended to get more dramatic and more personal than they used to.

On the day of one of his exams, he’d done something unforgivable. At the very least, he’d never forgive himself for saying it. For one blindingly stupid second he’d resented her for being at least part of the reason Potter made his life a misery and he’d lashed out when she’d come to his rescue, an even bigger humiliation in Potter’s eyes. He’d lost his temper, unfortunately in her direction and he’d used one of the words that had been drummed into him as a child, one he promised never to use. _Mudblood_. She’d said some nasty things back, nothing that even compared to what he’d said and that had meant a lot considering she could have hit him where it really hurt, if she’d wanted to.

He’d locked himself in a disused classroom as soon as he found one and leant against the door, letting tears fall that had been threatening since he’d first been rendered helpless. He stayed in there until night fell, led on an empty teacher’s desk, staring up at the ceiling and unable to feel anything. 

When he heard teachers milling about, ushering everyone to their own houses, he sat bolt upright. He ran for the door, forgetting for a second that he’d locked it. He couldn’t let her be shut up in her tower, away from him without knowing how sorry he was. Once everyone was in there he’d have no hope of seeing her.

He ran down corridors, not caring that people stared; after all, they usually stared. He made it to the portrait that concealed the Gryffindors and implored the lady to let him in. She wouldn’t even grace him with an answer. He started banging the wall through it, not knowing magic concealed every sound. A girl finally came along and asked him to get out her way. He vaguely recognized her as one of Lily’s friends, small and blond but apparently a force to be reckoned with.

“Let me in?” he asked, nearly begging.

“What? No. You’re a Slytherin.” She looked him up and down in disgust, he’d never even spoken to her before.

“What does that matter? Please?”

“Go back to your dungeon,” she sneered and whispered something he couldn’t catch. The portrait swung open for her and she blocked his way.

“Alright, can you pass on something for me?” He didn’t wait for her to refuse. “Tell Lily I’m out here and I need to see her, need to tell her...” She cut him off with a wave of her hand.

“Yeah, I know what you want to tell her and you damn well should be sorry! She’s been crying about it for hours, I don’t know why she was friends with you in the first place but she sure as hell doesn’t want to be now.” The look of disgust had been replaced with one of hatred, she’d obviously put what Lily had told her and his Slytherin robes together and realised who he was. He felt his guilt stab deeper into him.

“She’ll talk to me, I know she will.” He had to admit he was slightly begging now.

“I don’t think so.” She made to leave.

“I’ll stay out here all night if that’s what it’ll take”

-x-

He was still sat by the portrait and it must have been the early hours of the morning by now. Lily had come and gone, face like thunder and refusing to accept his apologies. So he’d sat down on the floor, not wanting to go to his own house or his own bed, not caring that he was freezing cold or immeasurably tired. His head was leaning back against the stone wall and he was seconds from falling asleep despite his determination not to.

He heard a rustling sound; he thought he’d imagined it for a second until the picture opened its doorway, shielding both him and whoever the late night wanderer was. He had just about enough time to jump up and think of a half-baked excuse as to why he was out there but he didn’t need it.

“Oh, thank God!” the figure said, rushing forward, the moonlight catch her tear stained face, her red hair and her relieved smile.

He barely had time to recognize her before she was on him, her body pressed against his, her hands holding his cheeks and her lips on his. He didn’t have a clue what had happened and it took all his mental capacity not to freeze up out of complete unexpectedness. His hands found her back and although he couldn’t fathom what was happening, he returned her kiss. When she broke away from him, she looked as confused as he felt.

“What was that for?” he asked breathlessly, desperately trying to look like he’d taken it in his stride and utterly failing.

“I’m not sure, I just...felt like it?” She laughed nervously and then sank down on the floor where she stood, tears running down her cheeks. He sat beside her and let her cry onto his shoulder.

“I just thought...what if this time I’ve lost you. I know today was rough, on both of us but would it be worth it?” She drew in a ragged breath. “I couldn’t sleep. I kept feeling like I was falling, I know that’s mad.” She made an effort to wipe away her tears. “And I know it’s selfish but I hoped you were still out here, so that when I had the guts to face you, you’d be here, waiting for me.” She had stopped crying now and he used the sleeve of his robes to clean her face.

“And that’s why the...” He trailed off, waving his arms around to indicate the bizarre turn of events.

“Well, I thought that probably you wouldn’t be here, that you’d have left when I shut you out here and I was sure I’d fucked everything up” He studied her closely, her head must have been in more of a state than his for her to swear so strongly and not excuse herself, he nodded for her to continue. 

“So, when you were here, I just wanted to grab you…” She went bright red, obviously embarrassed at relating the thoughts she’d had but she persevered despite it. “And make you stay. After than my brain didn’t really have much say in what I was doing.” She refused to meet his eye.

“Do you regret it?” he asked, knowing that he was flinging himself in to a pit of snakes, if the answer was bad, it would tear him apart.

“No!” Her head snapped back up, now meeting his eyes defiantly. “Do you?”

“Of course not,” he said honestly, shining a light on feelings he hadn’t dared to examine since he’d met her, apart from that once.

“Well, then. That settles that.” She seemed to straighten herself out, physically and mentally, nearly back to her normal self. She got up and made to leave.

“Stay?” he asked, barely above a whisper, even though it was Lily, he was still feeling more vulnerable than he’d like. 

She stopped and opened her mouth, whatever she was planning to say she didn’t. Instead she whispered a few charms, creating pillows, a blanket and an alarm clock so they would wake up before being found. He smiled, he wouldn’t have thought of that.

She led on the floor and waited for him to do the same. When he did, she curled up against him and pulled his arm around her. He didn’t quite believe it.

“What if someone sees us?” he asked as she tossed the blanket over them.

“I really don’t care,” she said and closed her eyes, laying her head on his chest.

He didn’t want to sleep, for fear she might be gone when he woke or in case all this time he really was asleep and she’d never been there at all. He did sleep though, he couldn’t help it, he was exhausted and her body was warm against his.

-x-

They dated for nearly a year, their fights even worse but the making up infinitely better. Her social status went down a bit for dating a Slytherin but his went up a bit for dating _anyone_. Potter grew intolerable even though he noticed that his being nasty to Severus drove Lily further into her dislike of him. He spent every moment he could with her and even her friends became civil to him. They’d spend one or two nights a week sleeping in an empty classroom then the Room of Requirement when Lily found it. It was perfectly innocent; he just liked to spend time with her, just her and she liked falling asleep in his arms. It caused a terrible scandal, nobody would believe two sixteen year olds would be sneaking out of bed in the night and not be doing _something_.

They were in a classroom, sat on a desk, the Room of Requirement apparently in use. He liked to play with her hair while she talked, plaiting it then untangling it. He’d insist she tell him about the most mundane little things in her day. This evening she was talking about Potter, complaining about him much to his delight.

“Then, he had the audacity to ask me about your...well, to ask a very impertinent and rude question”

“And what did you say?” He dropped her hair, he knew there was only one thing that she could be talking about and being male, he was instantly worried.

“I said it was none of his business and that no doubt it would be twice the size of his; he had to overcompensating for something with that broomstick of his and that God awful hair.” She laughed, turning to kiss him.

When she started unbuttoning her shirt he stopped her.

“Lily...” he said, almost like she was a child misbehaving.

“Yes?” She looked up at him, her face the perfect picture of innocence.

“What are you doing?”

“I was going to find out the answer.” She trailed her hand up his thigh; he stopped her just short of where it was planning to go. He rolled his eyes, realising she had planned this.

“Right...are you sure you want to be doing that now?” He still held her wrist in his hand; she was starting to look a bit put out.

“Why not? We’ve been seeing each other for months and you’ve never pushed me into doing anything I didn’t want to, I’ve known you forever and I love you. You love me, don’t you, Severus?”

“Yes, of course I do,” he said instantly, he didn’t need to think about it. He couldn’t even remember a time when he’d not loved her anymore.

“So...” She attempted to kiss him again and he let her, briefly.

“But wouldn’t you rather it be special” He did his best not to sound like a cliché.

“Isn’t this special enough for you?” she asked with the edge of danger.

He’d given this moment a great deal of though and he’d imagined it being summer and taking her up to the lake in brilliant sunshine so that her hair shone like fire. He’d imagined being romantic and slowly talking her out of her clothes. He’d imagined laying her on her back on a picnic blanket and making love to her even though it was broad daylight.

He kept that to himself though.

“In a classroom, on a desk that seems to have an unusual amount of splinters in it? No, not really.” He’d meant it in the best way but like normal, she’d taken it badly. She got up and stormed out muttering “screw you” under her breath.

The next day he tracked her down and apologized, telling her he had meant she deserved much better than that and she had forgiven him, promising that she’d spend her free hour of the day with him, just them.

They broke up before the summer came around.

-x-

“You’re doing what?” Severus asked incredulously. He’d heard her; he just outright refused to believe her.

They were seventeen now, nearly finished Hogwarts. Apparently near enough that people had began acting on last chances.

“I know, I know but he’s been really sweet lately. I know he can be a....” She groped around her for the right insult and gave up. “…but I don’t know, it’s just a bit of fun.” She had the dignity to not blush because of her sudden one hundred and eighty degree turn about the feelings James Potter had for her.

“But he’s...” Severus groped for an insult and he found one, in fact he found several. “A cocky, self-assured, up his own arse, arrogant twat who you hate! He’d learn Latin backwards if he thought it’d get him into your pants. I’m pretty sure by this late stage he’s only obsessed with you because you keep saying no to him. He’ll probably get you drunk, fuck you in a bathroom and leave you to pull your own knickers up!” He had much more planned but he was stopped sharply by a slap in the face. His eyes widened and he did his best not to bring his own hand up to his cheek. He had not been expecting that.

“Are you quite finished?” she asked coldly but there was fire in her eyes.

He nodded mutely, not daring to speak.

“Good.” She drew in a deep breath and he braced himself, this was going to be bad. “How dare you tell me who I can and cannot see, what I should do or _who I should do_. If I want to go out for a drink with James and our friends than I bloody well will. And since when do you have any concern who I sleep with, if I choose to. You had your chance last year and I seem to remember you talking me out of it!”

“I was trying to be...I just though you would have preferred something a bit better than that. And normally I’d let you go out with whoever you want...”

“Let me?!” she shrieked.

“I mean, I wouldn’t mind. But not James, anyone else but not him! I can’t let him have...” He silenced himself instantly, not quick enough to backpedal though.

“What? Have me? I am not your property to lend out like a fucking library book! How dare you!” He thought she was going to slap him again. Instead she stormed off, leaving him in her wake, which was worse.

She ignored him for the rest of term, to the end of the year, refusing to speak to him or even acknowledge his presence. He left Hogwarts and didn’t go back home. She didn’t know where he’d moved to but despite their fight, she missed him like hell.

-x-

 

He didn’t see her for years and surprisingly he felt better for it. Once free of his dependence on her, he started to build his own life. He found friends whom he didn’t constantly argue with, although he’d never go so far as to say he actually liked them. He earned enough making potions for people on the quiet, some were perfectly innocent and for good people, others weren’t but that was none of his business. He learnt great control, over his mind and his mouth. He didn’t let his emotions control him anymore and he always considered his words carefully before he spoke them. He developed his occlumency, shielding any trace of even a thought about anything he cared about. He’d learnt that to let your emotions run wild over your face was letting everyone else know you were weak. But he also very much lived inside his own mind, shut up in his house for a week at a time, drinking until he could bear being alone with himself and then digging out old letters - _from her_ \- making himself feel miserable all over again.

One night a letter was new, freshly delivered and he instantly recognized her handwriting. His heart fluttered slightly and he squashed it back down, where it belonged. He poured himself a drink, knowing he’d need it and opened it.

**James Potter and Lily Evans formally invite you to celebrate their marriage with them...**

He scrunched it up and threw it towards the fire because he couldn’t bear to read any more. It missed the flames and he swallowed his drink in one gulp before he retrieved it. He smoothed the thick paper, reading the rest and storing it in a draw in a desk.

He didn’t believe she’d had the audacity to send it, to invite him to watch them get married. It had probably been James’ idea. He got another drink, knowing it was a bad idea and actively pursuing it.

-x-

_You smug son of a bitch, would probably love to see my face, make me watch you take her away forever. Not enough you’ve got her now but you want to keep her. You can’t have her, I saw her first, I loved her first and she should be MINE!_

When he woke he found that on a piece of parchment, badly written and unmistakably addressed to James Potter. The word “mine” was repeated all over the paper, almost alarmingly so. Now he was sober he was infinitely glad he didn’t keep an owl in the house.

Another thought had struck him the night before, what if she had sent it; maybe this was her call for help. In the cold hard light of morning he pushed the thought away; it was stupid and too good to be true, if his life was anything, it certainly wasn’t a fairytale.

For the next three months he dithered between vehemently pledging he wouldn’t go and resolutely promising himself he would rescue her. Normally the former when he was sober and the latter when he was not. Either way he didn’t reply to the invitation, leaving it buried under papers in a draw.

-x-

It was an hour before the service was due to start before he apparated outside the small church in Godric’s Hollow. It was another ten minutes before he moved. He knew if he started running like a madman through the church, he’d be forcibly ejected before he could even find her. Instead he skirted the border, looking in windows until he found her, hair in curlers and wearing nothing but her bridal underwear. The gentlemanly thing to do would be to avert his eyes and pretend he hadn’t seen, come back when she was decent but he couldn’t bring himself to actually do any of those things. He tapped on the window, making her scream and cover herself with a robe that wasn’t particularly designed to cover much.

She was twenty-four now and she looked different but in a way he wouldn’t have noticed if he’d seen her regularly. The modest blushing girl was gone, this woman was confident and no nonsense looking. He could still see little bits of his Lily, the startled look she had when she spotted him and the fiery passion that seemed ready to shout him into next week for scaring her. All that disappeared into one of her old smiles when she had recovered her dignity. She motioned for him to turn around and he obeyed. 

When he heard the window open behind him, she was wearing the robe. It still left her legs on show, white thigh-highs and garters too but he did his best not to notice that. She didn’t hug him but she didn’t stop smiling, he could see she was happy to see him but apprehensive, nervous. It wasn’t much but it was better than nothing.

“Severus.” She nodded, as if she was greeting him formally, outside in the line of well wishers.

“Lily.” He did the same back. There was a long silence that felt suffocating; it was making him nervous as well. “I presume your date with Potter went well,” he said, mostly wit and only slightly bitter. She laughed nervously, playing with the tie of her robe.

“I’m really sorry about that, I should have been more mature, handled it sensitively. I was being childish.” She shrugged it off suddenly, like some reflex kicking in. “But you live and learn. I thought you weren’t going to come.”

“I wasn’t,” he answered truthfully, up until the moment he’d arrived, he was positive he wasn’t going to go.

“I’m glad you changed your mind. I know it was a bit off me inviting you but I couldn’t think of any other way to bridge this, bridge us.” She looked up, meeting his eyes in hope that she’d be absolved of whatever crime she thought she’d committed, unaware that in Severus’ eyes she hadn’t committed her real crime yet, but she was about to.

“Why?” he asked suddenly, unable to force any more small talk.

“Well, when we didn’t fight, you were my best friend. I know it was really on-off but when it was good, it was great.” She shrugged again, a defensive habit he guessed.

“No. Why do this? Why marry him?” He forced her to meet his eyes, somewhere between glaring at her and imploring her.

“Severus...” Her tone was warning and he could nearly hear all their old arguments rise up around him like ghosts.

“No, really. Why him? What makes him so wonderful, has he got money, a house? I’ve got money and let me assure you, it does not make a difference.” He was being bitter now, her influence bringing all his worst traits to the surface like she always did.

“It’s not money.” She shrugged again and he nearly grabbed hold of her shoulders, to keep them still and stop her shrugging off anything that made her question herself.

“Has he gotten you pregnant?” he asked, knowing that was why his mother had stayed with his father, she’d told him that several times and said outright that he was to blame for her being miserable, for ruining her life. He didn’t want that for Lily.

“Is that a not so subtle way of saying I’ve put on weight?” she asked with another nervous laugh.

“Lily!” This time he did grab her shoulders, only gently but it was enough to make her be serious.

“No! God, Severus, has it not occurred to you that I’m getting married because I want to, I like having someone, I like coming home and having someone to talk to and James does that. He’s there for me and you can call him all the names under the sun and that won’t change that. Why can’t you just be happy for me?” A tear ran down her cheek, taking mascara with it.

“Yes, fine but why do you want that with him? Of all people Lily, why would you choose him? What’s wrong with...” He was cut off by an inevitable slap; he’d been expecting one at some point. But this one hurt because his thought had been _What’s wrong with me?_ not _What’s wrong with you?_.

She was shouting now, he’d lost any chance of reasoning with her. She backed him towards the window, saying things about _mistakes_ and _just like always_. He let himself be pushed out the window and shut out. 

When it was time, he invaded a bridesmaid’s mind. She didn’t notice anything but a slight headache and through her he watched Lily put on her veil, over long loosely curled hair. Her dress was white, tight fitting with no straps, hugging her breasts. She was beautiful and when she asked the bridesmaid why she was crying, the girl shook her head and said she didn’t have a clue, she couldn’t help it. Severus left her mind and left physically, resigned to Lily’s fate, finding it more depressing than his own.

Later that day a man came to his house, asking about his talents, his interests and his allegiance. The man said he’d come highly recommended by an old friend. He said he was willing to overlook his father’s predisposition, his blood status and offered him power, money, his heart’s desire. Severus told him he didn’t care for money, he was too volatile for power and his heart’s desire couldn’t be bought. The man reluctantly left, promising to keep an eye on him because he showed potential to be a great man if he didn’t let said heart make him weak. Severus agreed entirely, full of self aware bitterness. He’d probably be a much different person if he’d let go of his desperate grasp on Lily when he should have. But very much like an addict, he knew there was no way he would ever be completely rid of his feelings for her.

-x-

 

It was another four years before he caught even a mention of her. On the outside, he liked to pretend he didn’t know she existed, however on the inside he almost always looked for her, for mentions of her marriage going south or maybe some red-haired woman that had been asking after him. He never heard anything like that. The first time he did hear of her, well hear of someone, was one of the few times he hadn’t wanted to look. He was in a pub, one of the many shielded, magically inclined places he visited whenever he was feeling mildly social.

“Quiet?” he asked the barman, who was used to him by now. He knew Severus liked it when the pub was dark, quiet and had a lonely corner in which he could sit in until he got tired of being there. He hated nights when things would kick off, when Goblins would start a riot because the cutlery was not made by them or when the illegal gambling went too far and somebody lost something more than their money.

“It is now.” The barman looked at him, with a look that said the last few hours had been unusual.

“Really.” He didn’t make it a question, instead indicating that he would listen.

“Yeah, we had a right one in earlier. Dressed to the nines and ordering muggle spirits. She refused to speak to anyone until one bloke got her dancing. By this time, she’d had away with half a dozen drinks and was trying to get on a table. I had to kick her out not quarter of an hour ago, bloke an’ all.” He sighed. “It’s a shame you missed her actually, you woulda liked her, you have a tendency to stare after girls of her kind.”

“And what would that ‘kind’ be?” 

“The kind that are trouble. I had a feeling chasing her would be like chasing fire itself. She slapped two blokes for telling her she’d had enough, not to mention I had to drag her out of here kicking and screaming. Pretty thing though, red hair, like I said, you woulda liked her.”

He put some money on the bar even though he hadn’t bought anything. He could of invaded the barman’s mind but he found he didn’t need to, he could hear her laughing outside. Nobody else would have but he was listening differently. 

He left and nearly left her there but he made the mistake of pausing, turning and spotting her. Then he couldn’t leave her, not in the state she was in. She had a man pushed up against a wall, encouraging him to take advantage of her. Her dress was barely in place, black, short, ruffled in the skirt and mostly see through on top. Her hair was piled on top of her hair but half of it straggled down, her makeup was bold, black eyeliner and red lipstick and her high heels made her taller than he was. He could have walked past her and thought her a whore.

He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her off the bloke, she stumbled on her spiked heels and she nearly fell. He apparated both of them to his house before the man could figure out she’d gone. He pushed her in the direction of a chair and poured her a glass of water, placing it in her shaking hands without a word.

“Sev?” She looked at him like she couldn’t really see him. He winced inwardly; nobody had called him that in over a decade.

“Yes,” he said slowly, calmly, though inside he was furious, not with her directly but with the situation, with what she’d done to herself. “And I believe somewhere under all that mess is Lily.”

She nodded and put the water down, muttering something that sounded like “somewhere”.

“What have you done to yourself?”

“I’m rebelling.” She made a dramatic gesture. “This is my fun. He has his fun, this is mine.”

“So this is for James’ benefit then?” He waved a hand in her direction.

“Sure, he comes home, dragging all his immature friends with him and expecting me to play the good wife.”

“I wish you would have told me that you were planning to cheat, I could have arranged for you to do it with a bit of dignity.” His words dripped sarcasm and she looked confused.

“What? Why would you care? You hated James.” She’d misunderstood his sarcasm and he couldn’t keep a grasp on his cold control.

“After all this time, how could you do this? Go into a bar and pick up a stranger. Do you hate me so much you’d humiliate yourself rather than think of me?”

“What? I don’t understand!” she shouted back at him.

“Yes, you do. I love you Lily and you damn well know it, you always have. That’s your fun.”

“You never...” she stood up, shaky on her heels but she didn’t get a chance to finish her sentence.

“I tried to talk you out of a wedding!”

“I thought you did that because you hated James.”

“And the year, the year of me constantly telling you how I felt about you?”

“We were kids,” she said in disbelief, as though she’d forgotten all about it.

“Glad to see you took it so seriously.” He started to leave the room, getting as far as the door by the time she caught up with him. She tried to kiss him, forcing herself on him and he pushed her away. It wasn’t a hard push but her balance failed her and she fell over, landing half sat and half sprawled on the floor. 

“But you said you loved me!” She screamed up at him.

“At the moment, you are _nothing_ like the Lily I love.” He considered leaving her there on the floor but she looked so pitiful that his anger at her subsided.

He picked her up off the floor and carried her into his room, depositing her on his bed. He left her fully clothed and shut the door behind him, leaving her in the dark to sleep it off and hoping tomorrow she wouldn’t remember a thing.

-x-

“I’m sorry.” A voice came from the doorway.

Severus had been absently stirring the same cup of muggle coffee for about fifteen minutes, he hadn’t slept.

“Severus?” She sat down at the kitchen table, across from him and he finally noticed her.

“What?”

“I said I’m sorry.” She took his cup off him and took a sip, placing it back. It was a familiarity that started at Hogwarts, when she’d buy him sweets and then start picking at them herself or serve herself pudding and then plead for a bit of his because it was different. He pushed the cup over to her, he hadn’t really wanted it.

“For what?” he asked. He knew what she was referring to but some masochistic part of him wanted to hear her say it, to drag it out of her.

“For not thinking. About the whole thing. I never thought when I left the house yesterday I’d end up here, I didn’t even know I wanted to cheat, I hadn’t even thought about it. But my marriage is very much ‘this is it, deal with it and do it with a smile’. I hadn’t even realised I was unhappy with it.” She shrugged.

“It doesn’t sound like you.” Severus regarded her, he’d planned to chuck her out as soon as she woke up but something about this felt nice, felt like it used to before. It was twisted he knew but he was enjoying having her to talk to.

“I’ve changed.” She shrugged again.

“Have you?” He raised an eyebrow.

“No, not really.” She seemed to relax for what looked like the first time in an age.

“I thought not.” She looked at him questioningly and he explained. “You keep shrugging your shoulders; you do that a lot when you’re trying to defend James to me. It starts to get annoying after a while, if I’m honest”

“Oh. Do I? I hadn’t noticed.” She was slightly red in the face and he had a feeling someone else had pointed that out to her before, at least once. He nodded, pretending he didn’t analyze even her tiniest movements.

“Nice gown, I didn’t know I had one,” He said, trying to break the tension.

“Mmmm,” she said mid-sip of coffee. “I made it when I saw what I’d worn last night. I haven’t worn that dress since I went to my sister’s eighteenth. It was fancy dress so I wore that, stripy tights, a hat and went as a Witch. I even took James’ broomstick. I thought it was hilarious, she didn’t agree needless to say.”

“Do you want something to eat?” he asked, changing the subject. She hadn’t mentioned what he’d said last night or what she’d tried to do and he presumed she wouldn’t now.

“No, I’d better go, I’ve got work.” She pulled her wand from a pocket in the robe and tapped it against the material. In the blink of an eye it became a business suit. She got up and walked towards the door, for no real reason than out of habit, she’d apparate as soon as she was outside. She paused for a second, hand holding the door open.

“I really am sorry, Severus.” She didn’t specify about what this time and he didn’t ask her to. She was leaving, what good would come of dragging it out any further.

“Don’t mention it. Just don’t do it again, you deserve better.”

She nodded and left. Strangely he didn’t mind. She was different in his eyes now, not any less his Lily but she wasn’t perfect and angelic anymore, she didn’t need to be worshipped. She had flaws and weaknesses now, sooner or later she would be consumed by them, or her guilt, and if he was both very lucky and very unlucky she might sink down to his level. He hated himself for wanting her that badly.

-x-

 

Lily slammed his door when she walked through it, uninvited. It had been two months, one week and five days since she’d left. He was only dimly aware that he’d been counting.

“Do come in.” He didn’t look up from a page he was annotating, he was improving an earlier draft of a potion he’d concocted, he still wasn’t happy with it.

“Thanks.” She walked straight to his fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine, red, merlot. She though momentarily about saying how it seemed to fit him but instead she silently poured herself a glass.

“And do help yourself,” he said, same tone but a small smile with it this time.

“Have done.” She sipped the wine and nearly spat it out. “You do know you’re meant to drink this at room temperature. What are you doing keeping it in a fridge?”

“I prefer it cold and I didn’t know I’d be receiving visitors that want to have a wine tasting session at...” He looked at a clock. “Eleven in the morning.” He raised an eyebrow at her, somewhere between amused and disapproving.

“You’ve not got anything stronger, have you?” She looked around hopefully.

“Not where you can get at it.” He smirked and she pulled a face.

“I quit my job.” She sighed, finally lowering the familiar confidence she’d been using as a shield.

“What was it?” he asked, ashamed that he didn’t know.

“Bloody boring.” She downed the wine and pulled another face. It didn’t stop her from pouring another glass.

“I’d better have that,” Severus got up and took both the glass and the bottle away from her.

“I just got sick of taking orders and making phone calls and running errands. I was an assistant to a Ministry Official, with promise of a career of my own one day. I’m sick of that one day never being today.” She gestured for her glass back.

“Sip it,” he said, begrudgingly handing it back to her. She took a few sips and passed it back.

“I phoned James and he said it didn’t matter, I could get another job. He didn’t seem to understand that I had _chosen_ to quit or why. I can’t remember the last time someone asked me what I want. Nobody seems to see me as my own person anymore. I’m just _assistant to_ or _wife of_ or _excuse me, miss_.” She sat down on his table and knocked over his ink. It pooled on the wood and seeped into the material of her lilac skirt and its matching jacket. “Shit, I’m sorry.”

“No matter” He retrieved his wand from his desk; he rarely had to use it, and made the ink run back into its pot. He couldn’t think of anything to do for her clothes. He laned over her to gather the ink and ruined papers off the table and stopped when he noticed her breath against his neck. He couldn’t move but couldn’t look at her either. Not this close.

“I shouldn’t be here,” she whispered, her hands raising to touch his arms but hovering just short.

“Why not?” He congratulated himself for sounding a lot surer than he felt.

“I’m married.” She moved slightly closer.

“I know. I was there. In a manner of speaking.” He tensed as her fingers finally brushed against him.

“But yet I’m not with him. I’m here. I shouldn’t be. But I am.” Her fingers found his jaw and she made him look at her. “Should I go?” She had one knee either side of him now and she was mere centimeters away.

“You should,” he said, being honest. Her confidence wavered slightly. “But don’t.” He finished, equally honestly.

He kissed her and she tasted of ripe purple grapes because of the wine. Her hands were keeping her balanced on the table and when he put his hands on her back; she arched into him, her hair brushing against his fingers. She brought her knees up so they pressed into his sides and he heard her shoes clatter on the floor when she kicked them off. He deepened the kiss, throwing himself into it like she was the only thing in the world. She sat up straight, taking her hands off of the table to run them down his body, tracing fingertips until she got to a crucial point. She stroked him firmly through his trousers, making her intentions sparkling clear.

“Not here.” He breathed against her cheek, placing his hands on her thighs, pushing up her skirt slightly.

“Not that old argument again.” She laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck. His hands slipped round to the backs of her thighs, under her skirt and he lifted her off the table. Her legs clung to him almost painfully, out of need, not out of fear he’d drop her.

The bedroom door seemed to swing open of its own accord. It took Lily a second to realise he’d done it. “Very impressive.” 

“It’s a knack.” He made it close behind them and frowned slightly when she loosened her grip on him, jumping down to the floor. She stared at the door and her hands scrunched up into fists with concentration. The door didn’t move. “Lily...?”

“Oh right, not the time. You’ll have to teach me that one later” She shrugged off her jacket, revealing a white shirt; see through in the right light with a black bra underneath it. He didn’t doubt she’d done that on purpose.

She had hold of his shirt and when she sat down on the bed, she fell backwards and dragged him with her. She kissed him again, wriggling her lower body to create friction between them, she wanted to be in control and he let her. He undid the first few buttons of her shirt carefully while she simply ripped his open, breaking more than a few buttons when she did. He ripped the rest of hers open in retaliation and she smiled wickedly when her bra ripped open at the centre, seemingly of its own choice.

“Now, where did you learn to do _that_?” She pulled the shreds of her bra off her chest.

“That wasn’t planned.” He watched the shreds drift onto the floor, slightly shocked. “I didn’t even know I could do that.”

“Hmm, it was certainly something. But don’t get to used to it, I only have a handful of ones that pretty and I’d like to keep them in one piece”

“I’ll buy you a new one,” he promised and turned his attention to her now exposed breasts. He’d seen them before, several times when she got changed and let him stay in the room, on his promised he’d keep his back turned but he never did. But he’d never seen them like this, flushing to his touch, quivering with her deep breaths. They were rounder now, fully finished and responding to his touch.

She reached over, nearly half off the bed and retrieved her wand from her jacket. She muttered something and her handbag flew in from the other room, pausing while she opened the door for it. She rummaged in it, struggling to concentrate and keep her balance while he kissed a line down her stomach, pulling her skirt off when he reached it. He raised an eyebrow when she came back up successful, placing her wand and a condom on the table by his bed.

“Been planning this for a while?” He dropped the skirt and was suddenly on top of her, one hand sliding against her underwear, rubbing her through the black lace.

“Only since last week....” She took a deep breath, struggling to focus. “Had a feeling I’d be here sooner or later.” Another deep breath. “I know myself too well.” Deep breath. “You probably knew it too.” She arched her back, pushing against his hand.

“I had a hope.” He smiled, wondering how much strength it had taken for her to keep herself away, to be a faithful wife and if that was why she was so desperate now. She made a frustrated sound and he obliged her by removing the thin barrier between her and his fingers. She made the noise again and sat up.

“I...just...” She took another deep breath to try and gain control of herself, it didn’t really work. “Now. Properly. Please” She passed him the condom and collapsed back on the bed.

“Muggle?” He asked, turning it over in his hands.

“Easier to maintain than any magic method, trust me” She told him what to do with it and watched hungrily as he did so.

She spread herself wide for him and dug her nails into his back as he pushed inside of her. He didn’t complain. He was set on taking her slowly but she kept telling him more and harder and nearly fifteen years of wanting her, planning this, dreaming about it surged him on until his grasp on her left bruises and her fingernails drew blood. She moaned gutturally when she came and didn’t ask him to slow, causing her climax to stay close to her, reclaiming her body whenever he pushed just right. And every time her muscles clenched around him, it threatened to take away what little control he had. Sweat dripped from both of them, making the sheets cling to their skin and when she screamed out his name, like it was the only word she knew, he came, his head buried in her damp hair.

It seemed years before either of them were willing to move. He moved off her and led beside her. Her hand found his and she clung onto it, like she thought he might disappear if she wasn’t touching him.

“I’ll have to go home eventually,” she said sadly, stretching before curling against his side.

“I know.” He stroked her hair; it was matted from sweat but darker red too. He knew she wasn’t technically his but he felt like he’d regained something in having her here now. She’d come to him and he’d claimed her, made her his, for now at least. A dark part of him even felt good that he’d won her from James, even if he didn’t know it.

-x-

 

When she’d finally got dressed and started to leave, she had muttered obligatory things like how _this could never happen again_ and _nobody can ever know_. He’d even believed her until two weeks later when he found her sat on his doorstep.

“Where the hell have you been?” she asked, getting up and brushing down her skirt.

“Nice to see you too, Lily.” He unlocked the door and let her in.

“I’ve been sat out there for over an hour.” She rubbed her arms, despite the cardigan she was wearing.

“Had you given any inkling that you were planning a visit, I would have made sure I was in.” His words were sarcastic but his tone was fond. She’d come back.

He put a bag on the table and started unpacking it, placing both potions ingredients and food in various cupboards and the fridge. She had walked straight past him into his bedroom. He was vaguely aware he hadn’t bothered to make the bed before he’d left.

“What are you doing?” He called in her general direction.

“You know full well what I’m doing.” She called back. He nearly dropped the bottle of milk he was holding and tried his best not to run to her.

He took a moment to absorb the sight of her, wearing nothing but an inviting smile.

-x-

“What are going to tell James?” He asked as they led together, waiting for reality to sink back in.

“Nothing. I doubt he’ll notice as long as I’m there when he goes to bed and still there when he wakes up.” She smiled, despite her harsh words.

“What made you change your mind?”

“I didn’t. You knew as well as I did that I’d come back. I always come back, sooner or later.”

“Always?”

“Always.” She looked at him sideways, kissing him gently to emphasize her promise.

-x-

This time it was a month before she was back. She’d come with a cup of tea and a muffin for them to share.

“I’m sorry, I got a new job and it’s not so easy to run around freely now.” She looked depressed.

“I thought you didn’t want a job?” he asked her delicately, he could tell it was deeply troubling her.

“I don’t but I need to do _something_. James is starting to worry.” She took a sip of the tea and passed it to him, she’d introduced him to tea all those years ago and he only ever drunk it with her. He took a sip of the tea out of habit and passed it back. He didn’t like it; it had no sugar in it. She started pulling apart the muffin, handing him bits between bites.

“Why don’t you leave him then?” He took the remainder of the muffin off her and put it on a plate because she was making a mess. And so she couldn’t look at him when she answered.

“Why? What good would that do?” She sounded like she’d considered it.

“Not even for my sake?” He asked, aware that he really should turn and face her.

“Severus, I doubt we would go a week before one of us started screaming at the other. It’d be terrible.” She sighed and he hated to admit she was right; he finally faced her with a mask of acceptance. “I like how we are now, just little stints of fun. No resentment, no fighting, no James, nothing but what we have.”

“And what do we have?” He placed the plate in front of her but she didn’t notice.

“Each other.” She smiled and that was enough for both of them.

-x-

He managed to find out her place of work and he sent a single lily there, enticing her back. It had been nearly another month since he’d seen her. He signed the card as _unequivocally not your husband_ and addressed it to ‘Lily Evans’.

He grinned when there was a knock at his door.

“Oh, I’m going to kill you,” she said, when he opened the door to her.

“That’s not how you usually greet me,” he said, almost beaming, it had worked.

“You’re lucky I’m greeting you verbally and not physically.” She was trying her best not to smile.

“Are you sure about that?” He smirked, winning her over.

She considered slapping him to win her bluff but instead she just pushed him backwards gently. “Get inside.” She shook her head.

She sat down in a chair of his, getting up so that he could sit there and then resumed her place, this time on his lap.

“Really I should refuse to sleep with you, teach you a lesson.” She pouted at him.

“And will you?” he asked, a hand running up her leg, teasing her into submission.

“What do you think?” She laughed.

-x-

“I wish I could just sleep here.” She said one afternoon, lying lazily with him on his sofa while he played with her hair. She’d not slept since the day before due to some emergency at work. They’d sent her home finally and she’d come to him, knowing James wouldn’t expect her back for a while. She had a cup of tea balancing on her stomach, mostly by magic.

“You’re welcome to,” he said with a smile, it was things like this he missed most, playing with her hair and watching her sleep.

“You wouldn’t mind?” She placed the nearly empty teacup on a nearby table.

“No. I remember having a great fondness for watching you sleep.” He stroked her hair back off her face so she could look up at him without moving.

“Is it because that’s the only time I’m not constantly talking?” She smiled sleepily.

“Only a little bit,” he joked and waited for her to fall asleep.

 

-x-

“I’ve only got half an hour, we can have a long cup of tea or a quickie, which would you prefer?” She asked as she breezed through his living room, taking off her shoes and jacket ready for the latter. She looked round the room, she couldn’t see him but his door had been unlocked. 

“We had tea last time.” His voice whispered in her ear, she jumped slightly and spun around to face him.

“I’ll get you back for that,” she promised.

He walked her backwards until she hit a hard surface, his desk. She stepped out of her underwear, knowing she wouldn’t have time to take off anything else. She was pinned, half sat on the desk, her legs dangling off it, giggling as papers and quills and bottles of ink fell to the floor.

“You are aware that I still have your wedding invitation somewhere in this desk?” He asked as her legs wrapped around him, letting him inside her.

She gasped something and tightened her grip on him, not wanting to examine too deeply why that made her want him even more.

-x-

A few days later she turned up at night, ecstatically pleased with herself and looking like she was on her way to a party.

She’d apparated straight into his house and he jumped, nearly walking into her.

“Sorry, I don’t think there’s a knocking equivalent for apparation and its pouring outside.” She leaned in and kissed him.

“I thought you couldn’t come here at night?” he asked, guiding her over to the table. “Is there something wrong?”

“Quite the contrary. I had an amazing idea. I wish I’d thought of it sooner. I was out with James and Sirius and a few others. They’ve formed a sort of resistance against all the horrible things that have been going on. I’m all for it but I couldn’t focus, I felt like I was going to scream if I had to sit there any longer. So I said I was going home and James asked if he could stay the night at Sirius’. I got half way home when I realised I could be here. With you. All night.” She punctuated the last of her words with kisses.

He didn’t tell her that he’d had several visits from Voldemort, trying to recruit him, even sending Lucius around because they had known each other for years. They were trying to play on his family history and his discretion to look the other way when a customer asked for something dark. They’d even offered him Bellatrix as a prize if he joined; he’d told them if he wanted a madwoman he’d visit St. Mungo’s. They refused to believe that he didn’t care either way about this coming war they promised. He was happy to stay in his house, with his Lily, while the world crumbled outside.

However, it worried him that she was so resolved to defy The Dark Lord, he knew to be indifferent was one thing but to resist entirely was dangerous.

That night they behaved scarily like a normal couple, they ate dinner and watched a film she conjured out of thin air. They went to bed slowly, for once not having a set time limit and he used the time to worship her body, covering every inch of her skin with kisses. When they were finished, she slept in his arms while he turned over the situation in his mind.

Should he try to get her to leave this resistance thing? No, she never would. She believed too much in fairness and peace and love. That’s what made her irresistible to him.

Should he join this resistance in order to better protect her? Nobody would buy it, it would put Lily at risk of being found out and he’d have to spend time in the same room as Potter and Black.

He could kidnap her and apparate them to some distant island and live there with her forever, living off magic and her presence. She probably wouldn’t allow it.

He could go out and cure the world of all evil. Pretty doubtful.

Or he could lay here with her, terrified for her safety and pretending that he thought her putting her life in danger was the right and noble thing to do. Which was exactly what he did.

-x-

 

She knocked on his door, civilly. Something she almost never did. That was the first clue that something was wrong. He hadn’t seen her in a little over two months despite her promise to spend more time with him. He opened the door and she walked straight past him, not even meeting his eyes. She seated herself at the table, tapping the wood with her fingernails absentmindedly. 

“We need to talk,” she said, finally looking at him.

“I seem to remember every time you say that, you end up screaming and I get slapped at least once.”

“Severus, be serious,” she snapped.

“Case in point,” he muttered under his breath but sat down, ready to face whatever it was she was determined to make him face.

“I wanted to be sure before I came round here...” She trailed off, staring intently at the wood beneath her fingers.

“Be sure of what?” 

“I can’t see you anymore.” She looked up again, her eyes shining.

“Does he know?” Neither needed to clarify who ‘he’ was.

“No.” She sighed “I wish it were that simple. I’m pregnant, Sev”

He stared at her and she looked very much like a child again, nervous that she wouldn’t be very good at magic.

“Is it...”

“No,” she interrupted him before he could finish. “I always made sure we were safe, one way or another” 

He nodded, taking in the other option. “So, it’s Potter’s then.” She nodded, of course it was.

“But you said you didn’t love him.” His tone was very even, almost too even.

“I was never sure that I didn’t love him, I just...I’m still his wife, aren’t I?”

“That’s just a name. A bit of paper.” She refused to meet his eye. “Isn’t it?”

She didn’t answer and he did something very stupid, something he knew he’d regret and she’d never forgive him if she knew. He invaded her mind.

He saw her stood in his house, and then he was behind her whispering. It jumped again, like old film with sections missing. Now he had her pushed against his desk, he remembered it well himself. His house dissolved, them with it and was replaced by James Potter sat alone in a restaurant. It jumped and Lily was rushing in, hurriedly making excuses, she’d had to work overtime. It jumped again, she was giggling at something, she’d had a few glasses of wine. That dissolved and was replaced by another house, presumably theirs and this time it was James whispering things in her ear, James running his hand up her leg. He felt a sudden push, followed by a physical pain. She’d realised what he was doing and closed her mind, slapping him before he’d had a chance to react.

“When will you learn some boundaries? Not every aspect of my life is free for you to examine and control.” She looked angry but like she didn’t really have the energy for a fight. “I thought you’d grown out of being possessive, that you could deal with having to share me but you’re just the same. I’d hoped we could be friends though this, at the very least that you would be mature about it. Clearly I was wrong.”

She stood up and made to leave. He caught her hand, trying to make her stay.

“Don’t you dare touch me. Not now, after that.” She pulled her hand away like it was burning and stormed out, not even bothering to close the door.

This time he knew she’d never come back.

-x-

“Severus, when will you learn?” Lucius smiled as he stepped, uninvited, through the door. “You should have found yourself a nice girl, a... _sympathetic_ girl instead of chasing after that mudblood.”

“Don’t call her that.” Severus said through clenched teeth, the numb feeling he’d had for the last few months giving way to anger.

“Come, come, the world doesn’t end because your bit of skirt up and left.” Lucius smiled indulgently and gestured his wand vaguely around the kitchen. “Here, have a cup of tea.” 

Severus caught the cup in mid-air and threw it at the wall. “I don’t want a cup of tea.”

“I’m not going to lie; I’m not here to heal your broken heart.”

“Good, sod off then.”

“I’m here on _his_ behalf”

“I’ve told you before I don’t care for power and I don’t care about blood supremacy. What interest could he possibly have in me?”

“Humour him then. What’s to lose, Severus? Less and less people are saying no and living to declare it. You’re a sensible man, join the winning team.”

“Just go.”

“He can make it go away; all this crying into your breakfast. It’ll make you strong again. You don’t need her, you never did. She made you weak, you don’t want to be weak, now do you, Severus?”

“No.” Severus folded his arms, relenting even an inch was painful.

“Good, get your cloak.” Lucius picked up his cane and swung the door open, ushering him out of it.

-x-

 

It was nothing. It had been nothing at all. A mad woman in a room, spouting nonsense that was of no importance to him whatsoever. It was just kneeling in a doorway, listening and passing on the message. It was the end of his world.

-x-

“Who could rival me? It’s...laughable” Voldemort spat the word out like it was stuck to his tongue. 

“Of course, my lord. I didn’t believe it myself.” 

“No. I believe it is true, what is unbelievable is they think I won’t take care of this... problem.” Severus had expected anger, disbelief, punishment even but he was taking this woman and her prophecy seriously.

“But, my lord, it would be a child,” Serverus said, surprised. He wasn’t exactly fond of children himself but to murder one, a babe at its mother’s breast still…

“No matter, that just makes the thing easier to find. Find out who it is.”

-x-

“My lord?” Severus said, a few hours later after his followers had delivered the fatal news.

“Severus.”

“There is...a child. The Longbottoms had a boy. It has to be him.” Severus set his jaw, determined not to show anything of the self-hatred he was feeling on his face. But if it would protect Lily and her child, he had to do it.

“Very good,” The Dark Lord replied, looking him over. He could tell Severus wasn’t telling the whole truth and in turn, Severus reflexively clamped his mind shut. “Severus?”

“My Lord?”

“What are you trying, and failing might I add, to hide from me?”

“Nothing,” Severus said, trying to keep every thought of Lily from his mind and in doing so, drew attention to her.

“Your paramour. She fits as well. How poetic. Thank you, Severus.” Voldemort rarely smiled but when he did, it could curdle blood.

“My lord, I beg you…” Severus started but he silenced himself, knowing begging would only make it worse for her.

“It’s the boy I need. I’ll let her live. Providing she doesn’t get in the way.”

Severus knew that meant she’d end up signing her own death warrant. Lily never was one to go quietly. She’d put up a fight and she’d get herself killed.

-x-

He stood outside her house, waiting to spot her alone, waiting for her to venture outside. After three or so hours she eventually spotted him through a window and came to the door.

“What are you doing here?” Lily said flatly, a common observer would easily think she didn’t care but he knew better. This was her game face.

“Saving your life.” He grabbed her by the elbow and dragged her outside, pulling the door closed behind her.

“What?” She folded her arms and arched her eyebrows.

“Come with me,” he implored her.

“Look, Severus, I’m a mother now. I can’t just…” She shrugged helplessly, unable to even finish the thought.

“Bring the child with you, I don’t care.”

“That’s right, you don’t care. Just go,” she glared at him, daring him not to step backwards.

“You don’t understand, he’s coming...”

“No, I understand perfectly. He’s coming because you betrayed us. You sold us out and now he’s after us. That’s how much you don’t care!” She stepped back through the door and slammed it in his face.

-x-

The next time he saw that door, it was hanging off its hinges. The next time he saw her she was dead on the floor and the next time he looked into her eyes they were cold and empty. Years later those eyes came back to haunt him, shining out from a face he hated, a constant reminder of all the ways he’d failed her.

The last thing he saw was those eyes. How ironic.


End file.
